Help me womankind, why are you loving this trash?
I know, it's because of the recession, isn't it. You're overdrawn every month and you've got no money to go out, so you get on the tube every morning and read a little something to get you going. Then after a hard day's work, you return to your partner, strip him/her naked, shackle him/her to the banisters and cook dinner while he/she wails for your attention and begs to be tied up in the living room where he/she could at least watchEastEnders. Only in this way can you regain some of the self respect you lose each day selling your soul to a greedy multinational company which pays you just about enough to sort out the bills, but nowhere near enough for you to buy the Fornarina shoes you lust after this season.
Or is that, just like the heroine of Fifty Shades of Grey, Anastasia Steele (oh, lord help us, could the name be more clichéd), you are a virgin who has met a millionaire pervert?
Or, hang on, I 've got it! You love this book because you yearn to be a virgin who has met a millionare pervert - yes! How you wish that before you'd said 'I do' to your husband plumber and sold yourself into a life of washing his soiled overalls, someone like Christian Grey (oh, lord help us again: could his name be more clichéd) had come along and offered you a life of another kind of bondage altogether.
Whatever your reasons, I would like to point out how sad it is that the hero of the first vaguely raunchy novel to rock the world for a while has to be a millionaire.Why couldn't Anastasia have fallen for a nice bloke from the IT department? I also think it's sad that she has to be a virgin - and worse, a boring virgin. And why does there have to have to be a stupid bogus back story about why Christian Grey got into sadomasochism - he couldn't just like a bit of slap and tickle, could he? Oh no, he has his psychological reasons, don't you know, for being a whip connoisseur. Yawn!
I don't think I'm a literary snob. I'll read anything. I can enjoy a cornflakes packet if it's well written, but Fifty Shades of Grey is just badly written.
Bye for now
PS There's a sadomasochism scene in my novel Twelve Hours but there isn't a millionaire or a virgin in sight.
PPS Need examples of just how badly written Fifty Shades of Grey is? Check out The 10 worst lines from Fifty Shades of Grey on my professional blog where I can't own up to wanting to tie characters up and hit them.